A Lesson In Diplomacy
by DrawnToTheRhythm
Summary: After *that* deleted scene in "Trio", General O'Neill pays a visit to Atlantis. S/J ship-focused.
1. The background

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, yadda, yadda, yadda. No copyright infringement intended, Please don't sue!

A/N: So a conversation on GW quickly escalated to hypothesising McKay's reaction to finding out about Sam and Jack. Which led to the following dialogue. This is the basis for my one-shot fic in Chapter 2, I hope you enjoy!:

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McKay: "Do you enjoy wearing those tight tank tops all the time or is that just something you wear whenever you're in my lab?"

:jack: " [to Sam]Is he always like this?"

:sam:*rolls eyes*

:jack: "Oi, MacGyver, you do know she could seriously injure you in about 20 different ways with a pencil, right? [McKay deadpans him] Do you mind not hitting on my girlfriend?!"

:mckay: "uh, yeah...? Sure, in the unlikely event that I meet her... what?"

:jack: "Carter, I thought you said this guy was bright?"

:sam: "And *I* thought we discussed... Discussing this with other people]?"

:mckay: "Whoa! Hold the phone... [to Sam] you're dating this guy?!"

:jack: "By George, I think he's got it! And that's 'General' to you!"

:mckay: "But...but... Oh, come on! Seriously? Where's Ashton Kutcher? I feel like I'm getting punked." [Blank stares] "Him? For real? [Sam nods] But he's military!... Ok, technically so are you but he's... got an IQ of, what? 130? You gotta be at least a 160!"

:jack: "Trust me, geek boy, I know."

:mckay: "Well, you're old so it can't be your looks-"

:jack:"Hey!"

:sam: "Rodney, unless you wanna find your next box of MRE's injected with lemon juice, I suggest you can it. [to Jack] Sir, do you mind?"

:mckay: "She calls you 'Sir'?!"

:jack: "We're at work, McFly, what else is she going to call me? Snookums?"

:sam: [Carter covers her eyes with her hand] "AHEM! Do you both mind? General, please, just... go to the commissary for cake or something. I'll handle this."

:jack: "Sure thing, Carter. Just do me a favour and leave his head on his shoulders, will ya? If you kill him I'll be stuck doing the paperwork for days!" [McKay looks frightened and Jack saunters out]

:mckay: "I think I preferred it when he was here."

:sam: "Rodney, would you shut up for a second, please? Firstly, I don't have to justify [I]anything[/I] to you. Secondly, stop hitting on me, it's unprofessional and rude and, quite frankly, as a person I find you quite annoying most of the time. Thirdly, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this between us."

:mckay: "What? You're not going to order me?"

:sam: "No, Rodney, that would be extremely unprofessional. I'm asking you as a human being, I know it's a concept you find difficult to grasp-"

:mckayanime01: "Hey, you're asking me a favour here!"

:sam: "You're right, I'm sorry. He shouldn't have said anything."

:mckay: "I bet you're gonna kick his ass for that, right? [to himself] I wouldn't mind you kicking my ass sometime-"

:sam: "Rodney! seriously, give it up. Even if I were single I wouldn't date you, you're not my type."

:mckay: "Too 'out there', huh?"

:sam: "Actually, not crazy enough. But that's not the point. Just... keep your mouth shut for once, ok?"

:mckay: "Fine, ok! Jeez... Can I just ask you one thing though?"

:sam: "That depends" [motions for him to continue]

:mckay: "If you ever did date me, would you call *me* 'Sir'? Coz I gotta say, that's kinda hot!"

:sam: "Rodney, you've got ten seconds-"

:mckay: "Ok, ok, I'm sorry! I just... man, he's a lucky son-of-a-... I mean, does he even know how brilliant you are? I mean, obviously second to me but..."

:sam: "was that a compliment?"

:mckay: "No, an observation maybe. It would never work between us anyway, I'm too amazing."

:sam: "Right, well, I think that's my cue to leave! I want your report on this on my desk by tomorrow. And by this I mean the instrument."

:mckay: "Sure thing... Carter."

:sam: "Oh, and one more thing... Don't ever call me Carter again!"

:mckay: "Why, too alluring?"

:sam: "Nah... Just weird."


	2. The fic

McKay wandered into the commissary to find some pie. After his altercation with Sam and General O'Neill, his head was pounding and he needed sugar fast. He looked around for a seat to find the commissary empty save for one table where Teyla, Sheppard, Ronan and Keller were finishing off their own plates of dessert. He headed over just as John waved to him and took a seat at the far end of the table. Ronan was frowning at John.

"So what's got you all riled up today? You got women troubles or something?"

John scoffed at the suggestion and took another bite of pie.

"Yeah, like us top brass have time to date while on this rock in another galaxy!"

Teyla frowned and shook her head knowingly.

"Colonel Sheppard, you are mistaken. I believe that Colonel Carter has a significant partner"

Finishing his slice of pie and gazing across the commissary to see if there were any more slices left, he responded distractedly.

"The Earth term is 'significant other', and I doubt it. She would have mentioned it to me."

Keller shook her head at him and scooped up some vanilla ice cream.

"Teyla's right, John. She does have a guy back home."

Sheppard cocked an eyebrow in her direction.

"Really? And how would you know this information?"

"Because I asked her last week. Apparently he lives in D.C."

Sheppard let out a long breath.

"As if living out here isn't long-distance enough! That's gotta be tough."

Keller shook her head.

"Well, he's apparently retiring soon so maybe he'll move to Colorado?"

"Does one not usually retire when they're old?", Teyla enquired around a forkful of green jello. Sheppard waved his fork at her, returning to the table with his third slice of apple pie.

"Well, yeah usually but it depends on your line of work. Some people have the option of retiring early if they want if they're rich or in a job that's physically demanding."

"Like your military?"

"Yeah, that's one example. I doubt she's dating a 70 year old! ... Could be a sports guy or a politician?"

Keller shook her head.

"I suggested politician but apparently not. She said I probably wouldn't know him anyway."

Rodney sat at the end of the table shoving spoonfuls of mashed potato into his mouth, refusing to look anyone in the eye. Sheppard threw him a curious glance.

"You're unusually quiet over there, got anything to contribute?"

Rodney looked up and put together his best surprised face. It wasn't very convincing judging by the looks he was receiving from Tayla and Ronon.

"Who? Me? No, nothing at all. In fact, less than nothing."

"Rodney...," Sheppard drawled, "do you know who this mystery guy is?"

McKay gulped down his mouthful with more force than was necessary.

"Any information I may or may not have has been sworn to secrecy upon pain of death by at least one trained assassin. Sorry, guys, I'm not willing to die for your idle gossiping!"

Sheppard raised an eyebrow.

"Uh huh... so he *is* military?"

"I'm neither confirming nor denying anything."

"Well, I doubt your average politician could break anything beyond a pencil unless he's the President."

"Could she be dating the President of your Country?", Teyla chimed in with her usual chirpy tone.

"Haha, Hayes? Not a chance! He's married anyway."

McKay pointed his fork at Sheppard.

"Didn't stop Clinton!"

Sheppard looked at him incredulously.

"You're telling me she's having an affair with the President?! Come on, McKay, even I'm not that dumb!"

At that moment, Jack sauntered in and, grabbed a slice of pie and sat down at their table.

"Who's having an affair with the President?"

Sheppard opened his mouth and then abruptly closed it.

"Evening, Sir! Ah... you know, that actress that was in that film that was out a few years ago about the killer robots? The one who likes to pose on cars in FHM, Sir." At a blank stare from Jack, Sheppard shook his head. "Ah, nevermind, Sir." Jack shrugged and dropped it.

"So, anyway, how are things going on Atlantis?"

"Fine, Sir. Business as usual, wraith, trouble, near-death experiences on a daily basis. You know how it is, Sir."

"Oh, how could I forget? I spent many, many years getting my ass shot at by snakeheads! Thankfully, my job is almost done. Finito. Six more months back in ole Washington and then it's a lake in Minnesota with just me, my fish and my... Well, anyway, I'm passing the buck onto you kids."

Teyla tilted her head towards Jack.

"General O'Neill, are you soon to be retired?"

Sheppard's eyes went wide as Jack turned to Teyla. He motioned a cut-throat sign at her which she frowned at and ignored.

"That's what I said."

"And you live in your country's capital city, do you not?"

"D.C., home of the Big Kahuna himself. Why?"

Sheppard loudly cleared his throat but Teyla would not be dissuaded.

"No reason, Sir!"

"But, Colonel Sheppard-"

"Ah!" He held his hand up in a stop motion. "Can we discuss something else, please?"

Jack took another mouthful of pie.

"What's going on? Am I missing something here?"

Just as Sheppard was about to respond, Ronon's deep baritone boomed from across the table.

"Teyla is trying to ask if you're dating Colonel Carter, General O'Neill."

Sheppard put his head in his hands, wishing for a giant black hole or at least a wraith invasion. Rodney stared at his plate and Teyla just looked confused at the sudden change of mood around the table. Jack put down his spoon and stared at Teyla.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud! Did someone put a memo in the Atlantis Gazette or something?" He turned to Rodney. "McFly, you had one job-"

McKay held his hands up in a defensive gesture.

"Hey! I said nothing!"

Sheppard stared wide-eyed at the General.

"So you are?! And Rodney knew? Uh, Sir?"

Jack wiped his hands over his face.

"Oh man, she's gonna kill me!"

Sheppard straightened his back.

"Sir, this goes no further. And Colonel Carter doesn't need to know that we know, Sir."

Jack grimaced an approximation of a smile at Sheppard.

"Thanks, John, I appreciate the sentiment. Look, she's not my 2IC anymore, she hasn't been for a while. It's all above board. Hell, the President knows! We just... didn't want to broadcast it."

Teyla interrupted.

"I do not understand-"

"In our military, you can get kicked out and locked up for sleeping with your boss. Not to mention that kind of gossip has got to be hell on your reputation-"

Sheppard's head shot round to face McKay.

"Rodney!?"

"What? I'm just sayin'..."

Jack raised his voice.

"Did no one hear me the first time?!"

Ignoring the commotion between the guys, Teyla continued.

"I see. General O'Neill, if I may, no one here thinks any less of you or Colonel Carter for choosing to follow your hearts."

"Sir, we know Colonel Carter. If there's one thing she is, it's a stickler for the rules. I don't doubt it, Sir. No one here does," Sheppard quickly added.

Jack sighed.

"Look, guys, I appreciate the sentiment. This goes no further, all right?"

"Of course, General," Sheppard agreed, daring the rest of the table to disagree with him and fixing his eyes firmly on McKay.

"Hey, you'll get no argument from me!" Rodney protested, "I know what Sam can do to me. And he's a General! He'll probably have me shipped to Siberia again!"

"General O'Neill, you have my word that I shall not speak of this matter further to anyone," Teyla added.

Sheppard turned to Keller who shrugged.

"Hey, not a problem with me, Sir. I'm sure Ronon feels the same?"

He nodded in response.

Jack clasped his hands together and stood up.

"Great! Now that that's all settled... who wants more pie? It's on me."

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A/N: for an even funnier version of this idea, check out "The Worst Hallucination Ever" by Kate McCaye!


	3. The fic part 2

The door chime buzzed just as Sam was putting away the last of her uniform shirts into the wardrobe.

"Come in!" She yelled, closing the door of the wardrobe and walking into her living space. The door opened to reveal a rather sheepish-looking Jack O'Neill who quickly stepped inside the room. Sam sighed heavily.

"Hey, Sam," he greeted cautiously. She rolled her eyes at him.

"What happened? Don't tell me Rodney blew up the microwave again?"

He shook his head.

"Ah, no. Listen, I need to tell you something and I need you to hear me out before you kick me out, ok?"

Sam tilted her head and crossed her arms over her chest expectantly tapping her foot.

"They know. About us, I mean."

Sam frowned and pinched two fingers along the bridge of her nose.

"Who's 'they'?"

"Ah... Teyla, Ronon, Sheppard and Keller."

Sam about turned and threw herself into her office chair behind the desk.

"I'm going to kill Rodney," she sighed defeatedly. Jack held up a hand.

"He didn't say anything," He offered and Sam looked up at him confused. "They guessed."

"But how?"

Jack shrugged and took a seat on the opposite side of the desk.

"Teyla started asking me all of these questions about my retirement and where I live... I don't know."

Sam leant her elbows on the desk and ran her hands through her hair.

"Keller," she offered by way of explanation. "Remember I told you we got stranded together last week? Well, I started asking her about her personal life to pass the time and I figured turn-about was fair so I told her I was seeing someone in D.C. Someone who was almost retired."

Jack mouthed an 'ah' at Sam but let her continue.

"Well I guess we couldn't expect to keep this a secret forever, right?" She said with a shaky smile. "How did they take it?"

Jack smiled.

"Surprisingly well, actually," he offered, "I believe Teyla's exact words were 'We do not think any less of either of you for following your hearts.' Of course, Sheppard swore them all to secrecy." Jack chuckled. "Well at least now they don't think you're having an affair with the President anymore!"

Sam frowned.

"Excuse me?!"

"I walked in on them discussing potential candidates for your affection in Washington I think. Of course, Sheppard quickly dismissed that idea as a possibility." Jack rubbed his hands together awkwardly. "He's a good 2IC, I'm glad I picked him for the program."

Sam nodded in agreement.

"That he is. He's a good officer, he knows when to speak his mind and he's damn good at what he does."

Jack smiled.

"Reminds me of another 2IC I used to know." Sam blushed faintly at the compliment.

"We're a good team here," she confessed, "beyond the usual bravado they really look out for each other, ya know?"

Jack leant back in his chair, legs spread casually in his green BDUs.

"That's what makes the SG teams special," he supplied, "we've all been through so much shit together that it makes us that little bit closer than most military teams. I've never asked a single thing of my officers here and been disappointed." He chuckled, "Well, apart from that whole rogue thing with Makepeace but, you know, he's a Marine so..."

Sam chuckled at his lame attempt at humour.

"So, I guess I should go and speak to them sooner rather than later," she offered, standing up from her chair and heading for the door. "Where are they?"

"In the commissary. Eating pie," he said with a smile, swivelling his chair and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. "Need any backup?" He asked cautiously.

"No thanks, I think I can handle this one myself." She said, returning his smile and heading out of the door.

Jack smirked at her retreating form, glad that she was in such safe hands so far away from home.

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End file.
